All right, now before we further explore what you can do to help you to be a joy multiplier more often with the people you care about, I want to just slow down a little bit and share an experience I had that really helped me to identify how do I respond to the people that matter most to me? And this is a moment that really helped crystalize for me some growth that I needed to engage in. So when I first read Dr. Shelly Gable's work on response style patterns, I got excited about it. To be honest, I thought of myself as someone who sort of naturally is active and constructive with people, naturally is a joy multiplier. And so maybe part of the reason I liked it so much is because I thought it described me. And I was sitting at breakfast with Guy. I was just about to leave to come here to Penn, to teach her theory and research for the first time with students. And I remember saying to Guy at breakfast, “Hey, I'm excited I'm going to go talk to my students about this new line of research that I think is so important.” So what was I doing? I was sharing good news with my husband and guy said, “Well, what do you think your students are going to think about it?” And I responded and he said, “Why do you like this research so much?” And I responded and he said, “Do me a favor. Call me, call me at lunch, let me know how it goes.” So in that moment what was Guy doing? Guy was being a joy multiplier, right? I shared a positive experience, my excitement with him. And he settled down. He turned away from his eggs. And he looked at me and engaged me, and helped me to really savor this upcoming positive experience. He was being a joy multiplier. So that's cool. In that moment, I'm thinking this is great. I'm a joy multiplier, he's a joy multiplier. What a great marriage. I was just about to leave to come to campus and Guy said, “Hang on a second, Karen. Before you go, I actually have some news to share with you.” So I said, what is it? And he said, “The suicide screening tool that I have developed, I just found out that we've received this major grant, and they are going to use this screening tool around the entire state of Pennsylvania.” Wow, clearly Guy is sharing in that moment with me some really exciting news. And I said, “Wow. Isn't that going to be a lot of travel?” And he responded. And I said, “And weren't you just saying the other day that you don't have a team that's big enough to deal with the grants you currently have? How are you going to handle all of this new work? You don't have the staff for this.” And he responded. And then I said something like, “Wait a sec, so you're telling me you're going to be traipsing around the state of Pennsylvania, and so now I'm lugging the kids back and forth to practice every day? That's not going to work for me.” And he responded. And in that moment, I had this flash of, Karen, you think of yourself as a joy multiplier. But here in this moment, when out of all the people your husband could have chosen to share that good news with, he chose me. And in that moment, instead of settling down and enjoying that positive experience with him, I pointed out the down sides. I raised concerns. I was completely a joy thief. And that, to me, really was a bit of a kick in the gut. That with my kids, I'm a joy multiplier most of the time. With my students, yeah, I settle down, I listen, I engage. I'm a joy multiplier. With my friends, most of the time I am able to sort of settle down and hear them, and join them in what they're excited about. But with my husband, the man that I've been married to for the last 23 years, the man that I said I would be there for you, for better and for worse, I was doing the for worse side, but I wasn't there for him when things were good. I wasn't being there for him in his joy. And that really upset me, and certainly upset my husband. So I had to rethink how I thought about myself. That with some people, yes, it's easy for me to walk into their joy with them. But for other people, like my husband, it isn't easy. And when I reflected on it, what got in my way, I realized there's a couple of things. So number one, you probably don't know this about me through this MOOC, but I'm moody. [LAUGH] And so if somewhere shares their good news with me in a time where I'm feeling pessimistic, or grumpy, or whatever it is, I often indulge my mood and don't rise to the occasion. Another thing, I can be self-focused. So when Guy shared his good news with me, rather than lending myself to him, rather than being other focused, what was running through my mind is, how is Guy's good news going to affect Karen? And I also am a critical thinker. And so when Guy is sharing his good news about this new opportunity, my mind drifts to, what are all the problems that he might not be seeing? So those things, moodiness, self-focus, concern, get in my way of being a joy multiplier for Guy. Now, I mean, the good news is, knowing what gets in my way, I can work on that stuff. I can do deliberate breathing to bring my mood back into place. I can remind myself to focus on him, not on myself. And I can also change the way I engage with him, by for me, tapping into gratitude. So I've learned to view Guy wanting to share good news with me, or anyone, not just Guy. If somebody wants to share their good news with me, that speaks to how much I matter to that person. To that person wants me to join them in their little pup tent of joy for a minute. And I should be grateful for that. I can be grateful for that. And so when I view these conversations through the lens of gratitude, I'm grateful that people want to share their news with me, it helps me take a breath, helps me to settle down, and helps me to be more engaged in whatever they're sharing with me. So that breakfast, I mean, it was a turning point. I wish I could tell you that after that breakfast, everything was different. That would be a complete and utter lie. Being a joy multiplier is still a struggle at times for me. But I've gotten so much better at it by practicing what it is we are asking you to practice. So here's what I'd like you to do. I'd like you to have to opportunity to reflect on the key people in your life. And so I'm going to ask you to do, to sort of notice your own patterns. You'll make a list of who are the key people in your life? You're going to think about, what is the dominant way that you respond to each of those people when they seek you out to share their joy with? I'd like you also, just like I did, to reflect on, what gets in your way of being authentically engaged? Because I just want to underscore that. What this style of responding is all about, being active and constructive, or being a joy multiplier, what it's all about is being authentically engaged with the other person. And so what makes it hard for you to be authentically engaged? Think that through. And then, think it through from the other angle. What can you do to be authentically engaged more often? For me, it was to view it through the lens of gratitude. For you it might be something very different. I'd like you to listen to Maureen Rush, the Vice President for Public Safety and Superintendent of the Penn Police Department, talk about her experiences with active constructive responding. >> So I've also learned through the program I sometimes can be a joy thief. So I'll give you a couple of examples. My daughter might be extremely excited that she just took a program at her school in college and that she decided that this is what her career is now going to be. Now it might be a pie in the sky, but for me to stop her when she is so happy about what she found and bring her back to reality, I'm stealing her joy. So through the program I've learned that I have done that in the past. A second example could be one of my employees, could be someone that I meet as I'm walking across campus that comes up and tells me they're all joyful about something that just happened, for themselves, or for their family, for their dog, whatever. And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm looking around, and then I go, by the way, did I tell you about, and I bring it back to me. And then not even noticing that they have now totally been deflated. So those two, I think, have been very personally rewarding for me to understand that I can impact someone in a negative way or a positive way. So now I try to enhance their joy by really listening to them and coming back with questions and making them feel more joyful by the time they're done sharing it. >> Okay, so we've just talked about active, constructive responding, or being a joy multiplier. And we talked about how Dr. Shelly Gable's research shows that it's only that one style, being authentically engaged with another person in the moment that person wants to share his or her good news with you, that strengthens relationships. Each of those other three erode relationships over time. And I'm saying that because I know some of you are thinking, hey, I'm not a joy thief so I'm okay. I'm not that guy. But I want to remind you that even if you're not a joy thief, even if you are the person who is sort of distracted and says, that's nice dear, as you're looking at your cell phone or watching the TV or reading a magazine, that being a conversation killer is equally problematic. And so I really want to encourage you to think about, what are the barriers that get in your way of being authentically engaged with the other person? And to push yourself to find a way through those barriers so that you can be with that person more often, strengthening the relationship, building more trust and belonging. There are some strategies that you can play around with. So I shared with you that because I'm so internally focused, sometimes it gets in the way of my being focused on who's ever sharing their good news with me. So I've challenged myself to be other focused. I challenge myself sometimes to really notice that person as they're talking to me. Look for his or her nonverbals. What is the person communicating to me with things other than words? That helps me to stay focused on the other person. I also work on my own nonverbals. So sometimes I might be saying all of the right things. I seem engaged, but my nonverbals are communicating that I'm not present. My daughter once called me out on this. She said, “Mommy, your words are making sense but your body is saying something else.” She was about 4 at the time. And so I've learned how to make eye contact and orient towards the person, maybe mirror their body language a bit to communicate that I'm with you. Another strategy to play around with is to simply ask questions. Like some of us think, “Gosh, I can't be a joy multiplier. I'm not a cheerleader. I'm not particularly enthusiastic as a person. I don't have pom-poms with me at all times.” Don't let yourself off the hook. Authentic engagement doesn't require pom-poms. It doesn't require cheerleading. It only requires us leaning into the conversation. And for me, that could be simple as asking a follow up question. Well, what did it mean to you when that happened? What did you learn? What did she say next? Anything to kindle the conversation so that the fire grows, so that the joy multiplies. And then lastly, think about, how do you express positive emotion? Some of us are kind of muted. And maybe one way that you could help multiply joy is to play around with the ways that you express your emotion. Let your emotions show a bit more as a way to help that person tap into your positive emotion to further build his or her positive emotion. So yes, this is a skill. It's the skill that just takes reflection and a willingness, in the words of a friend of mine, to lend yourself to another person for a little while. That's what this is about, and it builds your relationships.
