All right, now before we further explore what you can do to
help you to be a joy multiplier more often with the people
you care about, I want to just slow down a little bit and
share an experience I had that really helped me to identify
how do I respond to the people that matter most to me?
And this is a moment that really helped crystalize for
me some growth that I needed to engage in.
So when I first read Dr. Shelly Gable's work on
response style patterns, I got excited about it.
To be honest, I thought of myself as someone who sort of naturally is
active and constructive with people, naturally is a joy multiplier.
And so maybe part of the reason I liked it so
much is because I thought it described me.
And I was sitting at breakfast with Guy.
I was just about to leave to come here to Penn,
to teach her theory and research for the first time with students.
And I remember saying to Guy at breakfast, “Hey, I'm excited I'm going to go
talk to my students about this new line of research that I think is so important.”
So what was I doing?
I was sharing good news with my husband and
guy said, “Well, what do you think your students are going to think about it?”
And I responded and he said, “Why do you like this research so much?”
And I responded and he said, “Do me a favor.
Call me, call me at lunch, let me know how it goes.”
So in that moment what was Guy doing?
Guy was being a joy multiplier, right?
I shared a positive experience, my excitement with him.
And he settled down.
He turned away from his eggs.
And he looked at me and engaged me,
and helped me to really savor this upcoming positive experience.
He was being a joy multiplier.
So that's cool.
In that moment, I'm thinking this is great.
I'm a joy multiplier, he's a joy multiplier.
What a great marriage.
I was just about to leave to come to campus and Guy said, “Hang on a second,
Karen.
Before you go, I actually have some news to share with you.”
So I said, what is it?
And he said, “The suicide screening tool that I have developed,
I just found out that we've received this major grant, and
they are going to use this screening tool around the entire state of Pennsylvania.”
Wow, clearly Guy is sharing in that moment with me some really exciting news.
And I said, “Wow.
Isn't that going to be a lot of travel?”
And he responded.
And I said, “And weren't you just saying the other day that you don't have a team
that's big enough to deal with the grants you currently have?
How are you going to handle all of this new work?
You don't have the staff for this.”
And he responded.
And then I said something like, “Wait a sec, so you're telling me you're going to
be traipsing around the state of Pennsylvania, and
so now I'm lugging the kids back and forth to practice every day?
That's not going to work for me.”
And he responded.
And in that moment, I had this flash of, Karen,
you think of yourself as a joy multiplier.
But here in this moment, when out of all the people
your husband could have chosen to share that good news with, he chose me.
And in that moment, instead of settling down and
enjoying that positive experience with him, I pointed out the down sides.
I raised concerns.
I was completely a joy thief.
And that, to me, really was a bit of a kick in the gut.
That with my kids, I'm a joy multiplier most of the time.
With my students, yeah, I settle down, I listen, I engage.
I'm a joy multiplier.
With my friends, most of the time I am able to sort of settle down and hear them,
and join them in what they're excited about.
But with my husband, the man that I've been married to for
the last 23 years, the man that I said I would be there for you,
for better and for worse, I was doing the for worse side,
but I wasn't there for him when things were good.
I wasn't being there for him in his joy.
And that really upset me, and certainly upset my husband.
So I had to rethink how I thought about myself.
That with some people, yes, it's easy for me to walk into their joy with them.
But for other people, like my husband, it isn't easy.